dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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