Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
