You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
