He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
