I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Pants are for mortals
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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