Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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