I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
