guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
He did a backflip because drugs
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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