Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
