So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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