I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just come out here and I will go home with you...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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