i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
