you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
