I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
