I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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