my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
