I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
