I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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