seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
