My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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