Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
