my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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