Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
