His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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