considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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