Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
