Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I am one with the molecules
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
