I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
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