You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
