You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
if i can run in heels then i can drive
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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