now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
