I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
