We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
