dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
