Princesses don't give blow jobs
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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