The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
