my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
