Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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