My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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