if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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