Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
