There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
