I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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