You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
