Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I look better un-naked...
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
