According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
