Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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