why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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