i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
