I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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