i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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