Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
